Currently Listening Drops of Jupiter By Train see related

***

My emotions are racing and fighting...like little children in my head.  What's wrong with me?  It's break I'm supposed to be resting:  physically and mentally. But I can't stop myself...I can't stop thinking and it's tearing me apart.  I can't stay up during the day, for thoughts deride my mind, but during the night dreams take over.  haha...I don't even know WHAT I'm thinking about.  I guess I'm ignoring it all cause that's how's it's going to work.   

Aside from whatever I'm blabbing about...IT'S BREAK!!! HOLY CRAP!!! time!  I made it through the dead sprint to finish these last weeks of school.  My grades are majorly sucking ass but that's in the past for now.  Seriously I can actually breath-ish now.  But breathings annoying geez...how unnesesary.  Same with sleeping, eating, what wastes of time.  haha...except i can't even go like 2 hours without eating something.  Yah and I know you agree Sean.  Oh yah...SEAN! haha...him and his "gigity"ness and thinking that I can't kick his ass..yah right we'll see about that.  When he comes it's ON...that's right...bring it!  Yah that's right go run and hide lol.  see you are mentioned! lol.  So it is winter break.  I will use this time to "get in touch with my inner-self" or whatever lol.  I'm going to start writing again, hang out, play guitar, paint my room, and look at itsy bitsy stuff with my microscope.  And yes I bought a microscope and yes i'm geeky-ish but geeks get rich.  WHAT NOW! you got nothing on me.  *snicker: hehe*.  Well I hope I can hang out...hopefully minjae, stacey, lauren, atty, or the xc group gives me a call.  Minjae called today (...what a wierdo) haha.  Alex is a hilarious soccer mom...don't know what I'd do without her.  "I love my trash bag! shutup! and I'm NOT 'bossy'" hehe.  And Austin is snugglez and my man hoar.  Missy is my lesbian lover.  Stacy is my indian peace-loving drug dealer heheheh.  Well, X-mas is approaching and I still haven't bought everyone's presents *sweat drop*.  This year I'm getting the best present ever.  I get to visit LA and see my beloveds again! Me, my dad, and my brother are going on a road trip there.  My brother and a HUGE road trip..hopefully I won't jump out of the car before even getting there.  I wonder if I'll get to see everyone again...and if they all actually care or if I'm just getting overexcited.  I really miss you guys and everybody. 

This month ice plagues the grounds causing hectic situations for drivers.  Dangerous but a beautiful layer of white it is.  Cold...everything is grey here.  Reminds me of changes...fake smiles...bare laughs...apathy...like the fragile frost on the ground droning out the green with it's own bitter beauty***but it snowed a few days ago and me, sui, and minjae had a little snow fight...i was dripping snow.  Haha those two are too polite. 

I guess I feel a bit empty.  But I don't need anyone to satisfy me...I never going to be completely dependent on a boyfreind.  I'm fine...just dandy...cause at least what I feel is TRUTHFUL emptiness.  That's only for now though.  I guess I AM waiting for someone to sweep me off my feet...but not just that.  I want to learn how to love...more than i've ever loved before.  I don't want to be secondhanded...I don't want to be mishandled...and i WANT to be understood.  Not now though...I can wait for that later. 

And now these weird stalker indian people keep calling me and the indian man wants to sing me a song...how freaky...ehhh.  

*listening to the rain pitter patter* *can u hear my laugh?* *the swish of the forest leaves**can u hear my whisper?**the sun rise* *can u see my face?* *the ocean waves* *can u feel my prescense?* *i'm there...I promise you that*

HOLY KOW(and yes kows are holy...worship me now)!...i don't even remember the last time i wrote in here.  Yah...so to make things sound interesting i can either tell you all about getting abducted by candy aliens...and meeting stars...and eating milky ways...and getting fat and falling back to earth...or i can talk about my drab life.

NOOOOOOOOO!

WHYYYYYYY!

fine...*CK XC girls do it longer and harder* (eew..get your mind out of the gutter lol).  ummm yah....i guess now it's "did".  XC has ended and i have no lyfe.  Well technically i'm not allowed to have a life...yup yup...i am restricted by my parents.  No life for me.  Ummm...XC is far the best thing that will happen until...well next season.  Other than that the only looking forward to is maybe visiting LA...woops i wasn't supposed to say that and i'm too tired to delete it...and sean's visit.  I don't see why he can't just jack a pirate ship and get his ass ova here...i mean he is a pirate.  But to cut things short because my mom is interrupting those little growing brain tumors that are thinking in my head...wutever....ummm.  I thank Lauren, Alex and the rest of the xc girls (atalie, rolly polly olly), austin, stacey...and all...for giving me a reason for not just falling down and croaking (oh i luv that word) rite now.  And so apparently I'm the "weird foreign exchange student" here.  I miss too many people...holey holey heart...i miss u jackie.

more random thoughts:  (sean i know you've already heard this all...so you can cheat and skip the **)

*looking at the ocean today...I had a vacation in my own backyard.  For all you who don't know...my backyard...is the bay.  I've been having this recurring thought of just disappearing in surrounding as beautiful as well...the water is and just becoming part of something so beautiful and appreciated...and well it doesn't even have to earn it other than by existing.  When people see the mountains...the ocean...they just appreciate it...

I forgot why I moved here because I was so caught up in getting used to it here and stressing out...that I didn't even really get to see the ocean in back of my house until today. 

sorry sorry...that just amazes me.*

humdidlyum...

let me break it down know...  i hate...and i know it...and i hate to hate...and this is killing me.  What can I say?  And trust pssh...it's flying through an open window.  What can I do? 

hehe...still laughing in my head from Kimmy's sleepover whew!  THAT was fun!  Reminescing: picking fights with peter, almost getting caught by the po-pos, ara's "french fries give you cancer" hehe, fighting with samarai swords, staying up talking to Kimmy, and just generally reeking havoc.  This saturday:  Magic Mountain wut wut!  Oh yay!...i got my pix back!!!

HAHA..."The only safe guy is a gay guy" haha...that's cracking me up...halfway true.  I love you guys...but I'm talking about certain...others....

 Finch is frekin awesome...I recommend "Say Hello to Sunshine".  It takes awhile to really like though.  hehe...I found a new group called Japanese Seizure Robots...and they actually sound sooo good, even without vocals.

OOOH! yah...it's summer...i should be at the pool...hm?...but I'm at home.  Swim hanna Swim!!! YAY!!! I'm swimming in oxygen...whew isn't this fun!?  Oh well at least I can work on writing and drawing. 

Anyone up for a roadtrip?...I'm seriously planning one..kinda?  I'm off to boogy with the boogy man!!!

*Place me back

Where I belong

I’m in the wrong toybox

Emersed in the wrong game*

*Awkward little fool she is

She still dreams of

A better place

She Doesn’t believe

That this is it

This is life*

*Don’t they hear my scream

my cry*

*They don’t speak your language

Quiet your sobs

You’ve lost

You don’t belong

Shutup*

*They cared

They loved

Why would they

Leave me?*

*You’re a lie

A blasphemy

They don’t need you*

*Stare at the corner

Mind forced Void

Too scared to dream

Too lost to seem

Too exhausted to utter

Helpless screams*

Currently Reading Fruits Basket, Vol. 3 By Natsuki Takaya see related

Sometimes...i feel like an ugly smudge...just want to get washed away.  Let the rain fall...carry it all....until another day.  Down in the drain with the scum.  Can I call it home?  The bleak sky conceals it all.  Lead me on lead me... Wash it all away. Blackest dull to shining clean....I'll scrub the filth until I  bleed. 

Yet this happens I'll ruin

it 

again 

I am you know, human- disgust won't evoke the name.

*I'll wish upon a star...but that star won't shine*

Losing care...moving in less than a month...  I'm in disbelief right now of my parent's enthusiasm towards moving.  I get yelled at for being indifferent why should I actually care?  It's all the same.

hmm...lately summer break..isn't really break.  Summer school and SAT crap!  How in the hell am I supposed to breathe when all of this is suffocating me.  It's actually not the bad...I'm immune I guess.  Yet watch me turn into a sleep-deprived, drowling (don't know how to spell?), zombie. 

I must say though...Keith...your a life-saver.  Well..your not saving my life literally...but when we talk everything does come to life...in odd and wierd ways hahahah.  I luv it!  Life savers taste good..YAY! ahhahah.

Everyday causing riots with Kat, Jackie, and Kimmy is fun though! XD Yup I think all the dudes at our table kinda despise us...but it's all alright!  I'm an official stalker now YAY! hahahah...but not a really good one.

"You have a callipygian!" hahahahha love that word!

Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia hahahah can anyone guess wut that means...that is officially my new favorite word.

"Can I osculate you!?" hahahhahah...doesn't that sound so gross! 

masticate...that sounds like something else..AAAAGH...ekkk!...ok i'm not going there.

ummm...yah...so Gateway: SAT prep hasn't been comepletely useless ^^^ lol.

oops i did it again...let me take it back..it will ease the pain...

I'm obsessed with Furuba (Fruits Basket)! AAGH! and it's all Kristine's fault! I'm on book 3 and omg...Kyo is MINE!  Also Haru and Hatori are hot too!  Why can't guys look like anime dudes?!...hahahah but if that happened I would freak!

I really want to go scuba-diving sometime soon.  Going to Magic Mountain in a few weeks...Can't wait!!!  I wonder if Jackie can spend the night...OOOO crap! that means I have to get off my callipygian and ask....grr...well I guess I'm out.

*************

Your wise quote is: "The best antiques are old friends" by Unknown...
Your buds is the source of your happiness (maybe not all but still). Even if it's just one, a couple or a whole group they are the ones you can't wait to see. It does not matter if you're shy with everyone else or not, with them you let your true spirit shine and can be as loud as you want. They accept you, and you love them for that.

true...true...

Finally finished my myspace:

http://www.myspace.com/8835230

and so yah...but have no idea what to do with it?  Well anywayz I'm thinking of changing my xanga around once I get around to it.  Hmmm...Yesterday was fun.  Beach...Kimiko, Peter, and Kaili (is that her name GR).  Running after an ice cream truck, sand fights, looking for sand crabs, boogie boarding, smores, splashing eachother, being made into a sand mermaid, huddling like cows...I may put details later.  Fingers hurt right now...too much typing.  Summer school tomorrow...pooey!